the saga of dashing don part II: don's nuts and don's bolts

in may of 2004 my d.c. street cred rises ever-so-slightly as i become a professional staffer, albeit the designated pawn of the rest of the office (provided there aren't interns around). by mid-summer, these are the things we know about don:

1. don is in his low forties. he is mostly bald and shaves what remains of the hair close, as is the fashion.

2. don is a divorce. he hates his ex-wife, "darlene". when she calls i am to put her to voice mail. they have three children. he complains about them constantly.

3. in fact, the only time he doesn't complain, huff, or otherwise bitch and moan is when someone he hates (approximately everyone, aside from three or four buddies) is going through some kind of agony: emotional, physical, any. preferably both. the more misery the better.

4. don is the systems administrator as well as the chief. he apparently helped develop the mail management program our office uses, which has a reputation as being the most difficult-to-use, most error-prone bag of rat parts on capitol hill. when he arrived as chief his first executive decision was to sack the popular program the office used to use and replace it with this monstrosity. luckily he had done the same at my old office, so i was well versed in its ludicrousness.

5. don is neurotic and obsessed with power and uses his systems admin status to that end. we are not allowed to ever change our passwords, which he issues to new staff upon arrival. our permission to do so through the server has been erased. the legislative director (or, as he calls her, "the fat ho" or just "the fat one") has no control over her own computer at all -- interns have more access to the server and mail program.

6. don has a small ring of close friends - equally shady characters, all of whom are paid off in some way or another by big don. one is "quincy", who works for a giant defense contractor that also runs our internal server and mail management server. he is paid directly by our office for his services. another is "ben", a shifty-eyed fellow who does both the congressional and campaign websites for the member of congress, at outrageously inflated prices.

7. don has many electronic toys purchased through the office account. a series of four or so laptops/tablet computers, blackberry, office cell phone, even a 40GB ipod purchased in 2001 when it was even more of a pricey beast. including accessories this racked up an over $800 bill to the office account. don pays nothing!

despite all this, sometimes don can be fun...sort of. when the capitol buildings are frantically evacuated because the republican governor of kentucky "accidentally" flew his private jet into restricted capitol airspace for the reagan funeral, (quoth a nearby capitol policeman: "five minutes to impact! run!") our office avoids the hysterics and goes straight to the bar where we remain for the entirety of the afternoon. trips to the bar are what he calls "staff meetings", an apt description since he rarely speaks with anyone during the day. that's where the seeds of promotion are planted, i'm told.

when the cold cowboy goes to the democratic convention in boston, don meets him there and gives him a floor pass. don isn't going to the convention. don is going to the bar instead. it seems don likes the cold cowboy alright. enough to talk to him in any case, which is more than can be said for the rest of the staff by the fall of 2004, when crazy don turns to totally crazy don - a tale for another chapter.