brief note on the capitol evacuation

on wednesday, may 13, 2005, as you may have heard, some shit went down on da' hill. it went like this:

the day is busy. wednesday is generally the busiest day of the week since it's one of two full days on which votes occur during your average week. it's also when all of the committee/subcommittee hearings are scheduled. my boss has four such hearings that day and i am her aide for two of them. lots of work. very hectic.

our office is several floors up off the street. there is one lonely window in the legislative assistant portion of the office. it's hot and the window is open as myself and my coworkers are fully absorbed in our 'puters around lunchtime.

some sounds come from outside - nothing out of the ordinary for these parts. police barking a few orders. then some loud crowd sounds. our first instinct: it must be a protest. we return to our work. roughly ten seconds later the bullhorns are brought out. by the police. at this point i lean out the window to look across the street at the capitol building and see a flood of pedestrians running from the capitol building with capitol police, true to form, frantically urging them to "RUN!". no need for keeping the calm here in our nation's capital. this, of course, makes one uneasy. but there's a very intricate post-9/11 annunciator system installed in each office and it hasn't yet gone off. here's how it works:

there are 2 to 3 annunciators in each office. in the event of an emergency, or, more often, a false alarm or drill, an officer at the capitol police command center can speak into one microphone and contact every annunciator within a several mile radius, keeping every staffer informed as to what to do next, even if they've evacuated to the other side of town. each annunciator can be detached from its station and clipped to the belt or put in the pocket when orders are given to evacuate. when it goes off it's a series of high-pitch rapid, abrasive beeps followed by a stern-sounding policeman. usually: "this is an evacuation drill..." etc., with instructions on what to do.

last summer during the reagan funeral, the republican governor of kentucky flew his private jet into restricted washington airspace, forcing one such false alarm evacuation of capitol hill. a friend of mine in the capitol building was forced flailing down the stairs by secret service who were hoisting our rotund speaker of the house away to his tinted motorcade so that the third-in-line for the presidency, an illinois wrestling coach, would be secure should the rest of us die a terrible, painful death. a comforting thought. "make way for the speaker!" these guys yelled, pushing staffers down the stairs who for christ's sake could give a shit less about the damn speaker when they hear the annunciators telling them, literally, "TWO MINUTES TO IMPACT!"

but even then, last summer, nobody but the secret service seemed too frantic. it just didn't seem so urgent, even though the police were taking it as such, and people were joking as we ran down the stairs. in short order the annunciators told us it was a false alarm and we returned to finish the day.

returning to the present week: probably three seconds have passed and by now myself and two coworkers are leaning out the window wondering what the fuck is going on and watching police grow ever more irate with pedestrians and pedestrians growing ever more hysterical. the following takes place over the course of two seconds: a glance across the way reveals another stream of running people pouring out of another of the three house office buildings. still no word on our annunciator. sirens blare and a black suburban motorcade screeches out of the capitol and down independence avenue, nearly mowing down fleeing bystanders: the speaker's motorcade. simultaneously: a jet engine heard overhead.

fuck.

we all run down the stairs, nearly forgetting the annunciator, which goes haywire as we hit the first stair - since every office has two, the whole building lights up with the beeping and echoing policeman: "THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. ALL STAFF MUST EVACUATE THE BUILDING. AERIAL THREAT APPROACHING." the halls are packed with people running already when the annunciator tells us not to forget our biohazard escape hoods, ha-ha-ha. nobody does this. because it's stupid.

on the way down several flights we realize: by the time you hear an engine six floors from the ground, you're pretty much fucked if it's coming for you. still- staffers are being pushed over, police are screaming at them to run faster and down in the street it's a sea of commotion - most of the staffers have been through the business last year and are relatively calm once outside. one tourist in front of me with his wife and kid is about to soil himself with fear: "MOVE! FASTER!" he yells at the giant sea in front of him. cool it, buddy. poor bastard... other tourists are equally frantic - asking while running if this happens often. i tell one of them it happens all the time even though my own heart rate is boomin'. we are being forced south, away from the capitol, down new jersey avenue and south capitol street. by now it becomes clear to those of us with common sense remaining that the jet engine must have been from a fighter jet going to intercept the "aerial threat". everyone has their cell phones out. none of them work. i left mine in the office along with my wallet and everything else i brought with me.

we come to our senses: if anything was coming for us it would have gotten here by now. so we head to the bar, man: every office must designate the official office meeting spot in case of emergency and one particular bar is ours. so that's where we head, to slow down the heart rates with some hard liquor. around the time we sit down at our table someone in the crowd gets through via cell phone to someone who tells them it's two jackasses in a sessna. the all clear is given over the annunciators. by now we have learned it's two dumbshits from pennsylvania on their way to an air show in north carolina who seem to have thought it would be no big deal to fly over downtown washington. they claim to have gotten lost. "oops". those poor bastards must have blew a new asshole when the twin fighter jets came at them head-on and fired warning flares over their wing. holy fuck! they were diverted to frederick maryland and arrested, questioned and released when it was discovered they're simply idiots. an FAA fine is pending apparently.

as for us, we remain for drinks... which are free for the cowboy since he left his wallet in the office.

score.