saga of dashing don part I: the interview

almost exactly one year ago i interviewed for a position with my current employer, a member of congress.

i had been interning in a congresswoman's office for nine months, three of which were unpaid, the remaining six paid only in the loosest sense of the word. my $700 rent comprised well over half of my monthly income. the remaining balance was reserved for nourishment and beer. very few frills.

naturally i had been applying for "real" jobs for quite some time, with remarkably unsexy results. i sent out a veritable old growth forest of resumes and writing samples, cover letters that over time became so refined they would make shakespeare weep with envy. on the hill, as in many fields, what you've done and what you know have a comically minute impact on whether or not you will be hired. who you know and/or how your caboose looks in a skirt seem to play a decidedly larger role. the cold cowboy was failing miserably in both arenas.

i did land a couple of interviews beginning around the six-month mark. the first was with the office of a senior congressman from wisconsin for a staff assistant position (the obligatory entry level capitol hill job). having had little interview experience, i could tell i made a poor impression. but in all fairness the chief of staff who interrogated me was equally unimpressive, with questions so asinine and a mr. rogers voice so smothered in stinky velveeta...well, you get the idea. excerpt:

HE: what would a competitor say was your greatest fault?
ME: ...do you know something i don't know?
HE: answer the question.
ME: probably that i'm monomaniacal. and i murder people too much.

well, it was sort of like that. anyway, the guy had a moustache -- so fuck it.

a couple months later i landed my second interview with a congresswoman from michigan. this time it was for legislative correspondent - slightly more prestigious than staff ass (responsible for handling all constituent correspondence and making sure legislative assistants take care of their letters). i was much more relaxed in the interview but it became clear that i wasn't going to make it pretty early on. having interviewed other people on the hill by now i'd say they selected me for interview thanks to my midwest pedigree, since every democratic applicant is now from massachusetts and/or califuckingfornia.

then: the breakthrough. my office manager finds a staff assistant/legislative correspondent ad for another midwest office and is friends with the chief of staff. i know the same mail management program they use. i now have an absurd amount of experience for a non-permanent employee. i arrive at the interview with a gentleman we shall refer to as don. it went something like this:

He: don.
Me: cold cowboy.
He: the pay is $23,500. you still in?
Me: yeah.
He: you're not afraid of homies are you?*
Me: no.
He: good. the legislative director - don't listen to the ho.
Me: ...
He: if she asks you to do something, just tell her to see me. she's afraid of me.
Me: ...
He: and when it's feedin' time, get out the way. bitch can eat.
Me: um. ok.
He: can you start monday?

against my better judgment i took the job. and in the coming days i shall briefly outline the 12 stupid months that followed, resulting in my ultimate triumph over evil.

viva el cowboy frio!

*don and the boss are black. the cold cowboy is not.