"shit i learned in graduate school!" episodes 1 and 2

graduate school is a veritable cornucopia of knowledge. were i to relay my learnings to you, dear reader, in all their dazzling complexity, your brittle skull would swell and surely rupture. vast expanses of knowledge such as mine must be slowly digested over many weeks. you know, shoot seven thousand needles full of heroin between your toes all at once and the show's over. however, over a lifetime the results can fashion even the healthiest square into the very model of junkydom. which brings us to this week's lesson, the first installment in a continuing segment: "shit i learned in grad school":

episode 1: burrito experiment

i proudly count myself amongst the cynics on most everything. for instance: i don't believe in salmonella because if it existed i would have had it by now. however, after conducting a 3-week experiment i have scientifically proven that burrito consumption results in exponential increases in flatulence. during the first week i ate 2 lunch burritos and split the other three between chinese food and a vegetable sandwich. farting was moderate to heavy-at-times. during week two, my control week, i ate no burritos whatsover, but chinese, the sandwich, soup, and a sandwich from a different place. farting was light and breezy. the air was fresh and clean. during week three, i ate a burrito daily. farting was heavy-to-thunderous.

suggested future experiment: why does burrito consumption increase flatulence primarily during classes or at the workplace? hypothesis: because there is a god and it has a sense of humor. alternate hypothesis: because the beans have legions of tiny omnipotent bean-gods in them that lash out in furious anger at work-related activities.

we use the scientific method in graduate school.

episode 2: Y fashion

guess what? here's something else i learned: it's not cool to wear a bandana-cum-headband at the Y. it's even less cool to wear said headband and jogging pants you just put through the heavy dry cycle against your better judgment and which now resemble capri pants and may or may not cradle your manparts suggestively.

oh yes, and i did use the elliptical machine. also not cool.

you should have seen the stares. guess i forgot my carefully tailored addidas track pants and gray michigan t-shirt, you cocks.

next week i'm wearing a green accountant visor, my lickety jackbarn t-shirt, the sport-capris, black socks and the sandals my sister got me for christmas that have bottle openers on the bottom. and i'll use the stair machine backwards. also, in lieu of ipod, a boombox playing the macarena in a gold chain around my neck.

826 michigan

my friend and colleague works at 826 michigan. he hosted a crime mystery workshop for some 6th graders and i was one of the suspects, pictured below.

While the other suspects were given fake sinister sounding names, it was determined that my last name was already one of the more sinister in existence.